A federal court was finally able to get a sticker removed from biology books in suburban Cob County, Georgia that warned students, parents, and the general public that evolution is just a theory. Stickers are everywhere today. “This is NOT a step is stuck on the top ‘step’ of every ladder sold in this country. Toilet brushes carry a warning that they are not to be used for personal hygiene. We’re warned not to use our hair dryers while in the shower. I’m ok with this sticker thing. It’s a nice, cheap way to inform the public about scientific theories like gravity, bacteria, and electrical charges.

Evolution and Creation were on my mind when I browsed some Internet chat groups – just checking in with the culture as I do from time to time. There were no big surprises. The vast majority want to chat about music. Most of the rest chat about Television, Actors and Actresses and Celebrities. I didn’t find anyone chatting about God but I did find a group that wanted to chat about Indian Marsala Chicken. It was the category “Other” however that brought on an attack of Evolution vs. Creation paranoia.

In the “Other” category I saw Tight Jeans Fetish, Hot Teen Girls Videos, Lover of Silicone Women, Beach Voyeur, Friendly Sex – Take naked pictures of yourself, friends and family and post them here, Thong Worshippers, Armpit Paradise, and finally my personal favorite – Masturbate Together – Looking for Coed Group Masturbation; Those Who Enjoy Watching Others in Boston Area; Must be under 30, Must be Discreet.

I called God. (I know. The most unlikely people have the phone number.) I got the voicemail as usual so I left a message. I received the following email: When creating critters you only have two choices: hardwired or installed software. You can hardwire them for reproduction in which case they keep on keeping on because… well, they don’t know why they do it, but they don’t have to know, they’re just squirrels and goats and pollinating bees, part of a very intricate knitting job. They’re trees that drop acorns and poppies whose seed casings explode. They’re milkweed for the butterflies and shrimp for the whales. Imagine the chaos if they could think.

The other critters, the ones with installed software, have substantial hardwiring but they can overwrite a large portion of their software. So. You hardwire them with curiosity and then they want to learn new things, express ideas, discover, explore, and perhaps someday if we’re lucky, understand the concept of God. As for the chat groups, this is an example of just how tricky it is to knit at our level of capability. We knew the critters would eventually figure out a way to circumvent the reproduction hardwiring, and we had already given them the software protocols for making choices, so we had to offset the risk of too little reproduction by building in a reason to engage in this activity. We chose rampaging hormones. You must admit it works quite well. We’re sorry for any inconvenience this may be causing you. We’ll send you some stickers.